Things happen in life that encourage us to hit the open road all on our own. Sometimes it's traumatic, maybe it's for the adventure and sometimes it's for the contemplative opportunities that alone time gives us. For me, it was an opportunity to face my fears of being alone while also acting on a boundary that I had set.
Boundaries
When we set a boundary, we need to follow through on whatever the ramifications are when someone breaches it. Otherwise, it's just a statement that the violator can keep ignoring and pushing your limits. When this happens, we will fairly quickly find ourselves living out of alignment with our core values. Sometimes it may take us a while to stand up for ourselves, but we must if we are going to live a wholehearted, balanced life.
My boundary was that I would not be in a relationship where I was being deceived because honesty is high on my list of both my values and my character strengths. My husband breached that boundary too many times to count with his behaviors around alcohol. I had to do something. That something was to leave for a month. I wasn't ready to call it quits, that's not what I want. I want a strong, happy marriage. I wanted to give him an opportunity to figure out his own stuff without me hovering and to also experience what life without me would look like. To give him a choice and myself an opportunity.
Emotions
Facing our emotions, identifying where they come from, and challenging them when need be can be a tricky business. Emotions can be mystifying, pleasing, heartbreaking, fascinating, and completely overwhelming. Sometimes it can feel like emotions arise and take over, ruling our actions. Other times, we might feel more in control of how we respond to surfacing emotions. There are six basic types of emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, anger, disgust, and surprise. Everything else stems from these basic emotions.
I have been driven by fear my entire life. Not to the point that I was cowering, but to the degree that it stopped me from doing things alone...by myself. Thereby preventing me from enjoying many things that I probably would have. It made no sense to me. I'm an only child. I should be good at being alone. But, being a child of alcoholic parents, left me with the need for safety and security which I sought from other people instead of from myself. So, doing much other than going to the grocery store alone took me out of my comfort zone. Hitting the open road with a loose itinerary and Pooh by my side in a new-to-me car left nothing but trust in myself and a fear to conquer. The thought of it was so empowering, it had to be done!
The Planning
The first step in preparing for my first solo journey that wasn't business-related was to get my ducks in a row. I set a start date of July 2 as I had a podcast recording scheduled for the 1st and needed to be in my home office for it. That gave me three weeks to plan my route and accomplish what pre-work needed to be done.
I needed to first make it very clear what this was about to my husband. A six-page letter was written and ample time was allotted to discuss. Why a letter you may ask? That allowed me to get everything out without interruption or conflict. I didn't want to divorce him. Quite the opposite really. I wanted him to choose his health and us. And to do the work necessary to make those things happen. I want a long, happy, and healthy future with him. I don't want to stand by and watch him kill himself. During this time apart, I wanted him to focus on himself, and me to focus on myself and then for us to come back together and rebuild, stronger and better.
Then I needed a new car. I had been driving a 2011 Camry that still drove great, but with almost 200K miles, I wasn't comfortable with taking it on a 5000-mile journey. I started out thinking I wanted a Subaru Outback and even went for a test drive. I couldn't get the numbers to work though. I liked my Camry enough to replace it with a new-to-me 2023 Camry from Carmax. The price was right and the 'no haggling' is my preferred method for buying a vehicle. I don't have time to spend 4 plus hours at the dealership 'negotiating'. She drove like a champ the whole way!
And lastly, I needed to create a loose itinerary. I knew my end destination as I was going to meet my podcast co-host, Bonnie, who lives in Washington State, for the first time in person after having worked together remotely for three years. It was time for an in-person hug! Looking at a map I designed a plan to visit friends along the way. And I developed an itinerary that would limit my driving to no more than 6 hours per day with stops in places that might have something interesting to offer. I decided to only book the first 3 nights as I headed out so I could adjust as needed/desired.
The Journey
Overall I spent 10 nights on the road and 17 nights with friends. I passed through Texas, New Mexico, Utah, Idaho, and Oregon on my way up to Washington. I found the best way to stay focused was to have an audiobook playing as it kept my mind busy. I listened to Michael Singer's The Untethered Soul, it was what I needed to get me started. Then switched to fiction and listened to Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover—she's one of my favorite fiction writers, followed by Identity by Nora Roberts—so good! Then I switched to the A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J. Maas. I got through the first two and will now need to pick up reading the rest. Somewhere in there I even listened to a bit of a business book, but it wasn't holding my attention enough. I stopped just about every two hours to pee and walk around, maybe grabbing a snack or something to drink. It helped to keep me awake and comfortable. I also packed lots of snacks! I know from past road trips that if I don't have snacks, the road lulls me to sleep.
I started with a visit to a friend in Albuquerque that helped me realize that I wasn't trapped, there were other options out there. Moab, UT was stunning and unexpected. It was one of my favorite stops. I had my first sit-down meal by myself at a Thai restaurant here. No one whirled insults at me. I made my first detour in Twin Falls, ID to see the Shoshone Falls...I did some chasing of waterfalls on this trip. So worth it!
I stayed in a super cute roadside hotel in Baker City, OR that made the idiom, "Don't judge a book by its cover" ring true. It was walking distance from the town center with lots of cute shops and dining opportunities. The streets were lined with art. It was truly a gem. I visited a friend in Oregon who helped me realize that life is precious and that we have to take care of our health. By the way, Oregon is so beautiful! Everyone needs to go exploring there. I plan to spend a couple of more weeks there soon just soaking it in.
And my time with Bonnie was time to connect with myself and with her. No judgment, only heart. She really is a blessing in my life even if we live 2400 miles apart. We cooked together, went exploring, saw the beauty of the mountains of Washington, indulged in the finer things, hiked, laughed, maybe even shed a tear, and just couldn't get enough of sharing and caring. We even worked on the podcast, Conversations on Life, Work & Love, soon transitioning into Resilient Hearts: Rehab for the Families of Alcoholics and Addicts (or something like that) and future endeavors. We made the most amazing grilled cheese with cherries and brie. Feel free to ask me for the recipe. It was a lovely shared experience and we made memories.
On the way home, I spent the night in Coeur D'Alene, ID. This city is fantastic. It surrounds a giant lake. The main drag had many restaurants and shops to visit. I met up with someone I met on our podcast and now consider her a friend after we shared a lovely evening of dining and chatting. Life sure can be complicated, but choosing joy is what makes it worth living. Then through Montana, Wyoming, and into Boulder, CO. I just love Boulder. I explored the Pearl Street Mall and got some good eats and a henna tattoo to see if I would want to get a real one. (I haven't yet committed) I also made my way up to Boulder Falls for viewing. Fantastic! Then I treated myself to a cute bed and breakfast in Taos and an amazing dinner at The Love Apple. I had the most amazing mushroom appetizer that I will have to attempt to recreate and finished with a flourless chocolate cake with a glass of Sherry. All by myself and not afraid! I spent a few days with a friend in High Rolls, NM where I learned that I have a skill set that I need to be honing and getting paid well for after facilitating a resilience workshop for her team. That was a good boost to the old confidence. Then finally back to Texas where I hung out with some of my best girlfriends from high school. These ladies showed me that I am not alone in this world even if I don't have blood family in my life. They will be there for me no matter where I go or what I do. It did my heart good!
The Takeaways
To recap the takeaways. Traveling solo and reconnecting with friends helped break my fear bonds and showed me that, yes, I can. It opened up my eyes to the fact that I do have a great skill set in several different areas and that I don't need to keep myself small just because of where I live. There are many opportunities out there and I have friends in some of the right places to open up doors. When I feel alone in the world, I need to pick up the phone as I have strong, amazing women on my side who are ready to pick me up (and take me in) just as I would for them. It reinvigorated me to eat well and move my body because our health is so tenuous. It made me want to reach for joy and make sure I am building a happiness practice. Honestly, I can't wait to do it again. I have friends all over the United States. There are lots of places to see and people to visit. If you can do it, do it. Even if you start with just a couple nights away in a nearby town or book yourself for a fancy dinner and take yourself out on a date. You have no better friend than yourself. No one can love you better than you do.
The Future
Only time will tell what the future will bring for my relationship. I can say he did some work on himself and seems to be putting in the effort. We are planning to go to a self-compassion and couples workshop in September in Red Feather Lakes, CO. I have hope and will do my part. Whatever the future brings, I will be ok, and I will be surrounded by love. I am at peace. But even more, I'm not going to let things pass me by just because no one wants to go with me. If there is a movie I want to go to and no one wants to go with me, fine, I'll go by myself. This will apply to art classes, excursions, etc., etc. Life is too short to miss out. No regrets, no bitterness.
Remember to always look for the light and honor the light in others. If you need help planning your journey, reach out, I'm here for you.
About the Author:
Remi Gibbs is a Midlife Unraveling Guide, Family Recovery Advocate, and Resilience Workshop Facilitator who weaves self-care and positive psychology into her coaching methodology. She’s a writer, a co-host of the Conversations on Life, Work, and Love podcast, and a retreat host. Remi is driven by curiosity and loves learning. She is a self-proclaimed foodie, travel enthusiast, nature and animal lover, and a Chris Stapleton fanatic. Remi lives in Harlingen, Texas with her husband, two dogs, and four cats. For more information, visit www.renovatedrealities.com. Sign up for her newsletter and promotions here.
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