The Midlife Review

It’s very common to go through a period of reflection—a process I call a life review—in your late 30s, 40s, and again in your 50s. Some might label it a midlife crisis, but I prefer to see it as a wake-up call or an awakening. Sociologist Brené Brown describes it as an unraveling, which feels incredibly apt. By this point, we’ve lived some life and had a range of experiences—some good, some bad. Often, this is a time when the kids are growing up, our parents are aging, and we begin questioning our purpose. We may look around and wonder, How did I get here? 

It’s so easy to let life lead us, isn’t it? For years, we’ve had people pulling on us from every direction: our partner’s needs, the kids’ needs, our parents’ needs, even our pets’ and our job’s needs. Somehow, all of these seem to take precedence over our own. 

When that wake-up call comes, you might realize you don’t really know what you want, what’s important to you, or who you are beneath all those labels—mom, wife, daughter, employee. Ugh! It’s heavy, and it can feel overwhelming. All you know is that you’re unfulfilled and need to figure out what’s next. 

You might find yourself asking: 

• “Is my life going in the right direction?” 

• “Do I want to be living like this when I’m 60?” 

• “Am I happy in my romantic relationship?” 

• “How about this career I’m in—does it bring me fulfillment?”  

This period of reflection becomes a time to assess your situation and consider just how happy and fulfilled you truly are. Depending on your answers, you may face an awakening or decide you’re content with the status quo—for now, at least. 

Why Does the Life Review Happen? 

The life review often arises because we reach a point where we’ve lived enough to see patterns, recognize compromises, and understand the toll those compromises have taken on us. Developmental psychologists suggest that this phase of life is a natural process of reflection and self-assessment. 

Erik Erikson, a renowned psychologist, described this stage as a conflict between generativity and stagnation. Generativity involves “making your mark” on the world by caring for others, creating, and accomplishing things that improve the world. Stagnation, on the other hand, occurs when we fail to find a meaningful way to contribute, leaving us feeling disconnected or uninvolved with our community or society as a whole. 

We begin to question our purpose, wondering why we’re here and what we’re meant to do. There’s a yearning to ensure our efforts hold significance and value—that we are growing and contributing meaningfully. 

This process isn’t purely emotional or mental; it’s also tied to our brain’s development. Neuroscientists have found that our brains undergo changes that make us more reflective as we age. The prefrontal cortex, which governs decision-making and self-reflection, becomes more active, prompting us to think deeply about our lives, choices, and future. 

Embracing the Life Review 

Life reviews are deeply personal and can vary greatly from one person to another. While some women easily navigate these transitions, others may find them more challenging. No matter the specific questions weighing on your mind, I encourage you to embrace restlessness as an opportunity for self-exploration and growth rather than allowing it to feel disruptive or intimidating. 

As we age, our focus often shifts toward leaving a legacy and pursuing deeper, more meaningful contributions. Wisdom comes into play, prompting many of us to seek opportunities to share knowledge through teaching, mentoring, or giving back to our communities. Life becomes less about earning and more about giving and sharing. 

For some, this might mean joining a charitable organization, volunteering time, or even starting a nonprofit. Whatever form it takes, this period of reflection and action can be transformative, leading you toward a more authentic and fulfilling life. 

Personal Reflection 

When I first embarked on my own life review, it felt as though someone had pulled the rug out from under me. I had spent so many years being everything to everyone else that I lost track of who I was. I wasn’t happy in my marriage, longed to move somewhere—anywhere, really—had no identity beyond my work, and felt stretched thin worrying about my mom, who had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s at just 59 years old. There were moments when I stared into the mirror and didn’t recognize the person looking back at me. 

What had happened to the young woman who once dreamed of living in a high-rise in Los Angeles? The roles I had played—wife, daughter, employee—had defined me for so long that I had no sense of self outside of them. 

I remember the overwhelming urgency to figure things out. Questions swirled relentlessly in my mind: Is this it? Is this what my life is supposed to be? Is this how I want things to look when I’m 60? I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more waiting for me—something beyond the routines and expectations I’d been living up to. 

So, I began asking myself the hard questions. I examined my choices, the compromises I had accepted, and the dreams I had set aside. It wasn’t an easy process. It was uncomfortable and, at times, felt as though I was unraveling. Yet, through this challenging journey, I discovered a deeper understanding of myself, my values, and what truly mattered to me.  

That life review became a turning point. It gave me the clarity to let go of what no longer served me and start building an authentic and fulfilling life. I realized it’s never too late to make changes, to shift direction, and to live with intention. 

And that’s what I want for you, too. As you embark on your own life review, remember: this is your opportunity to reclaim your story and redefine what success and happiness mean to you. 

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An Activity to Guide Your Life Review 

To help you navigate your own life review and uncover what’s truly important, I’ve created a simple, reflective exercise for you to journal about: 

1. Reflect on Your Life Story —Write down the major events of your life so far. What were the high points? The low points? Look for patterns and recurring themes. This exercise will help you recognize the decisions that have shaped your journey. 
2. Identify Your Core Values—Consider what matters most to you. Is it family, career, creativity, health, or community? Write down your core values and reflect on how well your life aligns with them. This will highlight areas where adjustments might be needed. (We’ll explore core values more deeply later in the book.) 
3. Assess Your Current Life—Divide your life into key areas: career, relationships (romantic, friends, and family), personal growth, health, spirituality, and leisure. Rate your satisfaction in each area on a scale of 1 to 10. This provides a clear picture of where you’re thriving and where your energy might be if you are directed better. 
4. Envision Your Future—Imagine yourself at 60, 70, or 80 years old. What do you want your life to look like? How do you want to feel? What legacy do you hope to leave? Write a letter to your future self, describing the life you dream of living and the values that guide you. 
5. Set Intentions—Based on your reflections, set a few intentions or goals for the next phase of your life. Ensure these align with your core values and your vision for the future. These goals don’t have to be monumental; even small, meaningful changes can bring you closer to your desired life. 

By engaging in this life review, you’re giving yourself the invaluable gift of clarity. This is your chance to realign with what truly matters and begin making choices leading to a more fulfilling, purposeful life.